Charting The Pirahna-Infested Waters of Dating

It is perilous out here on the dating scene. Gone are the days when you could assume that if a person is hard-core pursuing you, he is single.

What’s up with all the attached men jumping in the pool. Hello, haven’t you heard, YOU ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE, can you please back up off my terrain?

I’m going to preface by saying, I am not nor have I ever been the type to mess around with men who with married, have girlfriends, significant others, live-ins, whatever. I don’t have the inclination, I don’t have the time, and I don’t need the drama.

Having said that, it seems like everywhere I go, there is a barrage of “men” stepping to me like their free & single when their NOT. I have had heard it all: “Oh, well, uh, see, me and my wife, we’re ’separated’ but for the sake of our daughter, we still live together” (and sleep in the same bed) OR the guy that followed me around Costco’s for like a month, “C’mon, let me take you out, you’re so sexy, I just have to get to know you” –”Do you have a girlfriend?” “Oh no, I’m married, happily, for 22 years!” WTF?

The latest was this seemingly decent guy, a Brownsville middle school math teacher/librarian. This fella was well dressed, well groomed, carried himself with all the basic tenants of gentlemanly behavior. (So, I thought) Bi-lingual due to his Haitian heritage, he was both intelligent and educated, like me, he loves to travel, and he was genuinely respectful of his parents, close to his family, particularly his twin brother.  –Sounds good right? The kind of guy you would want to give a shot, not the kind you immediately think to turn and run in the other direction from.

But that’s my point, today’s wolves no longer look like wolves. Nowadays they parade themselves around as Good Men. One of my guy friends asked the question, “why do women keep giving guys like this chances?” he wondered if we women were, “sprung on their big lie-infused dicks.” Now, I would be lying if I said that wasn’t the case  for a good many women out there, in this era of bad sex, there is something to be said for good dick. But I have yet to come across dick soooo good that I would “overlook” a wife.

The answer to that question is simple. We want what most people want; love, partnership, someone who gets us, someone to lean on, cuddle with, share our lives with, yadda, yadda.

The BIGGER question is, WHY, when there are plenty of ho’s out there, women who don’t care about your wives or girlfriends do these Fake Good Men keep targeting us  Good Women? Why don’t they just go out and get themselves a willing ho? But, noooo, they don’t want them, (cuz they’re ho’s) they want us and THAT is what chaps my hide.

In the case of the Brownsville middle school teacher, I peeped early on that there was, perhaps, nothing there that was sustainable long term. Mainly because, this self-proclaimed “shy” guy (which is code for A LOT of work, ladies), seemed to only be inspired to talk about sex, something I took as a personal clue into his primary interest, despite his consistent pleas that that wasn’t the case. Generally speaking, at this point, knowing that it probably wouldn’t go beyond a bedroom,  there is just a simple choice to be made: To take the guy as a lover or keep it movin’.

The day after I made my choice he decides to let me know that he isn’t entirely single. Turns out that he is in a “complicated, long-distance situation” and over brunch he proceeds to let me know that she lives in the DC/VA area, that she is not planning on moving here to NY and he isn’t planning on moving there and even though they have been carrying on this long-distance scenario for a year, he considers himself basically single and believes that she feels the same. My immediate response? DELETE! Because, I am quite sure that if I ran into this woman randomly on the street and asked her if she had a boyfriend, she would probably say, yes but he lives in Brooklyn.

Of course, it wasn’t that simple (although it should have been). Over the next couple of months, he made various attempts to get me on the circuit. I made it clear that obviously sex was off the table due to his “complicated situation” to which his response was, “I’m not happy about that and I don’t think it has to be that way but I understand your position”. Despite me telling him that I wasn’t girl-on-the-side material and that I wasn’t interested in being used as a weigh station on his way to somewhere else, he continued with subtle suggestions and failed attempts to manipulate.

Now, I realize that, at this point, this is sounding more and more like a campy horror movie, where the killer just walks in a slow stride and no matter how fast the victim runs, she can’t get away and inevitably she looks back and then trips and then gets killed. We all know the drill and I can hear you all screaming,”Run, don’t look back, you’re gonna trip, run, stupid, RUN!” which translates to, why the hell didn’t you just delete him?

And there lies the rub. I was trying to be nice. I talked myself into believing the nice, shy boy routine and just let it be. I never gave in mind you, I was super-clear that I wasn’t going down that road, but whenever I called him out on only being interested in sex and not being man enough to own up to it, he would be so mortally wounded, I would end up listening to his pleas and promises. He’d spin a yarn about how he was really interested and blah-di-blah and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah whatever. But still, I didn’t delete him.

And of course, to add salt to injury, I made the stupid mistake of confirming him as a  facebook friend, (Note to Self: Don’t. Ever. Do that again!), he, thank God didn’t seem to be on very often so I wasn’t assailed with his information popping up everytime I turned around but I did feel, out of simple courtesy, that I had to sensor myself which was annoying. Especially, since what happened next is the reason for this post. Here it comes, people.

Just after labor day, I log into my facebook homepage and what pops up on the side of my page but a status update stating that he is now in a relationship with so-in-so and of course, the little pink heart.

Now, I don’t want him like that, as far, as I’m concerned, she can have him but I’m mad as hell because I feel like, you’ve been bum-rushing me for the last two months begging me not to give up on you, the least you can do, is call me and let me know that you have decided to make a go of the “situation” with the woman in DC before posting that shit on facebook, knowing, without even trying that I’m going to see it. How rude and extremely tacky! Naturally, I commented on his new status. I simply said, “Congratulations and you owe me $50!” (I felt so confident that this was a bust that I figured I’d might as well make some easy money and bet him that by a certain date, nothing will have changed)

And here is where it gets unbelievably worse, if you can imagine that. I am HOT about this so, of course, I rant a bit (named no names) on my profile update. When I’m done, I go to de-friend him AND that lying motherfucker had already de-friended ME!!!! WHAT?!@! YOUR “COMPLICATED” ASS WAS THE ONE SWEATIN’ ME, not the other way around, so how dare you!

Obviously a cowardly ploy to make sure that I can’t connect to his girlfriend –and a gross underestimation of a woman scored because, of course,  I already wrote that shit down, I can connect to her anytime I want. Principal not desire, at that point, is what had me boiling over and my mouse was at the ready, click and you’re DESTROYED! But then begs the question, should I bother? Afterall, if he was on the up & up, there shouldn’t be a problem, right? But the reality of the situation is, I don’t know her, I can’t just assume that every woman holds the same standards that I do and for all I know, none of this is a deal breaker for her. She might be perfectly ok with the fact that her boyfriend of the last year has just spent the last two months trying to trick me out of my panties, who knows?

But I am still furious. The whole thing was just so unnecessary. Why bother to beg me not to give up on you? Why pursue me at all, knowing YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. And thank God, I had the intuition to nix the sex, can you imagine how horrible this would have been if I had been letting him fuck me all along? Awww, hell no.

There should be an internet database, much like the sex offender registry, where women can look up their dates and see what crap he’s already pulled and save themselves some time and in many cases some serious heartbreak. I keep asking myself, how is it that these Fake Good Men manage to keep recycling themselves amongst us and then it finally dawned on me.

Because, we Good Women often keep silent. See, a Ghetto Woman has no problem letting EVERYONE and ANYONE know he did her dirty. She’ll arrive, friends in tow, at his house at two o’clock in the morning, screaming, throwing rocks at the windows, keying car doors, and carrying-on. By the time she’s finished, the whole neighborhood, including his wife/girlfriend/significant other, will know he’s no good. But, us “non-ghetto” types, we take the so-called high road, perhaps we’ll do some self assessment, chalk it up to learning experiences, look for the “deeper” message, etc etc, leaving these little bastards boys dressed up in men’s clothing free to move on to the next Good Woman. Maybe we ought to take a lesson from our Ghetto Sisters and adapt the, “See something, say something” rule. We should start thinking of it less like stooping to the snakes guys level and more like sounding the alarm. Afterall, thanks to many a two am episode, people in the hood  know who the wolves are and stay clear…unless they’re stupid (there’s always that).

Which brings me back to, do I say something? As a Good Woman, am I obligated? I’m inclined towards no for the reasons stated earlier but then I think, WHAT IF, she is another Good Woman who thinks she has a  Good Man and doesn’t know that in order to get other women, her boyfriend refers to her like a stalker that he just can’t shake? WHAT IF, she’s not ok with the fact that her boyfriend is doing his level best to “get it in” with someone else ? (and let’s face it, I’m sure he didn’t stop at just me)…

What to do? Well, I don’t have time to launch a Cheating Bastards registry but for my part, I might just facebook her a link to this blog article, there’s enough personal information for her to figure it out, if she wants to.

Meanwhile, does anyone know where I can get some Married Man Repellent, a Pirahna Suit, or barring all else, a shank? LOL. I might have to cut the next one.

Peace.